I have cried all morning and it is really quite silly. Yesterday I helped Abby move into her apartment in Rexburg. She lives in a large house that has been turned into apartments. There are 5 girls in the apartment. We didn't meet all of them but the one we did meet was very nice. I stayed for the 'get connected' activities so I was there until 6:00 last night. Abby was happy with her room and feeling great about the apartment. I felt good about her being there and happy for her with this new chapter in her life. I think she will have many growing experiences.

I on the other hand did ok until this morning. I miss her already. I have dreaded this stage in my life. The stage where I am alone. While Noah is still home, he pretty much stays to himself. He goes to a developmental disability program all day and watches tv when he gets home. He rarely eats with us and doesn't participate in family activities. It is just different.

I know this is a growing time for me. I miss all my kids and the time when we were all together. I am very proud of the people they have become and the way they live their lives. They are all such good people. Still I miss the role I played as a mother with my children at home. This is a new chapter for me in my life. I need to figure out who I am in this new phase. I have always found purpose and a sense of worth in what I do as a mother. That is changed now and I need to find my worth in this empty nest. My life has been redefined and I have to figure out what my purpose is.

Who am I? where am I going? what am I here for? These are all questions I need to answer in an earthly way here. I know the eternal answers, but I don't know the here and now. Hopefully in the days and months to come I will figure it out.

I am sitting here on this beautiful Easter Sunday thinking about my children and how life has changed and continues to change. I enjoyed my visit to Rachel's house to take care of her children. Even being sick they were great. Rachel you have done a very good job teaching them.

This weekend was supposed to be our family reunion and it just couldn't work out. I am so hoping everyone can make it to the reunion in August. It would mean so much to me and I would love to get a new family picture with all the right people in it. :-)

We had an Easter activity for the grandchildren that live here. I wish more of them could come but they are so far away. We made resurrection rolls, which the kids loved. They were so good answering the questions about Easter and listening to my explanations about the rolls. then we hid 130 plastic eggs for them to find. There were so many eggs that we decided to invite a family down the street to come for the Easter Egg hunt with us. It was fun to watch the kids hunt for eggs. It made me miss the ones that were not here.

Friday night Abby celebrated her birthday with her friends. Her birthday isn't until the 28th but we aren't going to be here that night. Caleb is graduating from Central Wyoming College and we will be in Wyoming. Anyway, we had Michelle Wilford make a great debate themed cake- you can check it out on facebook- and Abby loved the cake. Her friends all thought it was awesome. I made Rachel's recipe for Chicken and Bows. We threw in some French bread and had a great dinner. The kids ate, talked and watched a movie. They may have also played a game. I don't know because I was upstairs and they were all downstairs. the party was a great success.

All these things have made me really stop and think about things. I cried because I miss the grandchildren who aren't here, I cried because Abby is graduating and going to college, I cried because I have wonderful children who are so grown up and doing awesome things with their lives and their families. They are all doing the right things for their families and I can see them teaching their children the gospel and making sure they are following the spirit in their lives.

As a mother there is nothing more I could want. I am so thankful for the example they all set in various ways and I am so proud of them.

I am thankful that even as they all leave and go their separate ways, I have a wonderful husband to share the rest of my life with. I am thankful for his diligence in living the gospel and his dedication as a husband and father. He is a great example to me and is so supportive of the things I am doing in my life however small they are.

I am thankful for the gospel and the blessings I receive as I strive to be more like my Heavenly Father. My life is so full and so good, I couldn't ask for more. I don't know if my children will read this or not because it is so long and has no pictures, but I want them all to know how special they are and how much joy they continue to bring into my life. I love you all.

Still pain free

I thought I would update things. I have had no further problems with my back. I am truly grateful for this. I went to the doctor because I had a severe burning in my wrist. It made the rest of my hand ache badly. The doctor said I have arthritis in my right hand and that I might want to work on my left hand skills. He recommended that I take Ibuprofen or motrin but that is the extent of the help I can get. Oh, he also recommended that I wear a wrist brace and see if that helps. I had it on for about 30 minutes but it didn't immobilize my wrist like they thought it would and I couldn't do anything with it on. I decided it's best just to grin and bear it.

Saturday we are headed to Lava Hot Springs with the family who are here. I'm excited about it and know we will have a great time.

You might want to sit down and take a deep breath. Yes, it's me. I am actually posting something on my blog. I have pictures to down load but am not sure how to do it with my new camera. Abby will help me later.

We have had a very busy summer. I will have to post about that later. For today I am posting about my miracle.

The past two days my back has been out and it has been very painful. I have not been able to do anything to speak of. Sitting hurt, standing was a little better if I stood in just the right way. Laying down hurt but not as much as sitting. I went to the chiropractor and got a massage, but neither of these things helped much. I have been in agony.

Today I was supposed to go to the temple with Kaci Harris (Jared's fiance'). She was going for the first time. I was not sure how I was going to make it through the session. I didn't know how I would be able to do the sitting and standing and dressing etc. Abby said I should stay home, but I told her I really needed to be there and it would be all right; the Lord would bless me. I knew I couldn't do much so I had her put my white knee highs on for me so I didn't have to bend down to do them myself at the temple. My back just wasn't going that far.

I managed to get dressed at the temple and into the chapel. I was really hoping I could actually get up all those stairs to the creation room and I did. I was in pain when we had to do the first standing up out of our chairs, but I made it. After that, my pain went away totally. I did all the standing and sitting and everything. I got dressed afterward and we went to the cafeteria for lunch. I am still pain free. I can feel a little twinge now and then but I am good to go! I am thankful for the Lord's tender mercies. He knew this was an important day and that I needed to be there. I am truly blessed.

Today is cleaning and mending day. I have put it off for so long. Well the mending part I have put off. Today it's on the agenda, but in order to avoid the task I DON'T want to do, my house has benefited. I have cleaned, picked up, wandered around, emailed and have written on my wall at facebook. I truly don't have that much mending to do, I just don't know why feel such an aversion to it.  What I reallly want to do it find the gifts I bought for the grandkids who live away, that I need to mail, make some Christmas candy, and do some shopping for a couple more gifts. 

I also need to make hotel arrangements for our trip to southern Calif. I'm trying to find cheap tickets with fast pass for disneyland. And don't forget Universal Studios theme park. It all feels overwhelming. 

On a very positive note I was very happy to read Rachel's newest post. I have a round trip ticket I am saving so I can go help her. I love the joys this season brings but this year it is extra special and feels more joyous.  I love you Rachel and hope you feel well soon.

Last night we put up the tree. Noah couldn't see why we were bothering to do so because we are going to be gone for Christmas. We told him we wanted to feel all the Christmas spirit. We focus more on the savior, but a tree seems to bring out a spiritual side as well. It gives me time to reflect on the past, present and future. 

 I plug in the tree lights, turn off all the other lights, sit quietly and marvel at how peaceful and calm everything feels. I bask in the glow of the soft Christmas light. I reflect on the angels who  proclaimed Christ's birth that starry night and how humble the circumstances were. Even in a manger there was peace, joy, and love that 'surpasseth' all. 'The tree' for me represents arms reaching upward longing for that Heavenly Home. I feel God's love all around me. 

I look forward to Christmas eve where we celebrate Christ's birth. I love that our Christmas eve is focused on Christ, stories that are about those who found the true Christmas spirit, Christ's birthday, and the nativity story as written by Luke the physician.  I am thankful for my children who are carrying on our gift to Christ tradition. 

We may not be here on Christmas eve, but we will continue the traditions in our home December  20th before we leave for California. I am confident that we will have a spiritual feast as we gather once again to share this special night. 

Merry Christmas

Well- the decorating has begun! I know we may be a little late but we haven't been home much the past week. We are going to calif for Christmas but we're putting up a tree anyway. Need some of the Christmas spirit.

We will be spending Christmas with Sarah and Jon. After that we'll go down to Disneyland and Universal Studios. Does anyone have suggestions for buying cheap tickets? I have looked on EBAY but don't want a large batch and don't want park hopper tickets. I DO want the fast pass tickets.

The weather here is very cold. You walk outside and it is biting cold. There is a high wind that goes right through you. We're at 6 degrees, but they said with the wind chill it's 15 or 16 degrees colder. That's minus 10 degrees.

I have a few more gifts to buy. Mike went shopping with me last night as I had not bought anything yet. I think I only need 5 more gifts. I can do that on Monday.

I am looking forward to the christmas lights, the smells of baking, and the sweetness of the season. I love this time of year and the opportunity I have to look at my life and evaluate how I am doing being more Christlike, thinking of others, and remembering what the season is really about. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas season.