Friday, November 16, 2007

A chapter is closing

I am finishing up at work. I will go 1/2 day Monday to write an IEP and 1/2 day after Thanksgiving to have the IEP meeting. It has been a bittersweet decision. I have cried so much when I'm at work. The kids have been sad that I'm leaving and have been writing me notes. That makes me cry. I also feel like I am giving up part of myself. It's difficult to know what I am leaving in terms of a career. It's hard to know it's final. I have struggled so much with work the past couple years, I know I need to stop and stay home. Even knowing it's the right decision, doesn't make it easy. I felt prompted to go to school when I did and I had a testimony that it was right and that my job was where I needed to be. I don't know what is in store for me but I know my Heavenly Father loves me and is aware of me. This past 2 1/2 months I have learned a lot of things about myself and those around me. I did not ever think I would be where I was in Sept. It seems like a nightmare and I'm glad it's over. Now I just need to get over being sad about giving up my job.

At the same time, I am relieved it will be over. I don't think I can leave and not feel sad, but I am looking forward to being home and catching up on all the things I have not had time to do. I need to exercise every day and take care of myself. The hardest part will be saying "NO" because I tend to fill my time thinking they're just little things and then the plate is too full and too much to handle. (Kind of like Thanksgiving dinner.)

I have had to have an extra measure of faith to make the decision I have made. It means giving up a full time salary which is no small thing. It also ends my benefits and we will have to pay to put me on Mike's insurance. Making this financial decision has taken a great leap of faith. I have to trust that the Lord will take care of us and that it will all work out. I am very grateful that we only owe on our house and medical bills.

We started adding up all the medical bills and what our portion has been. Between medical, dental, vision, and prescriptions we have spent almost $30,000 in 2007. That's our portion that we have to pay. I don't know what it would be if we didn't have insurance. Thankfully we have kept up on them and we should be ok. I really need to get healthy so we can cut the costs. My salary paid the medical bills.

We are learning to be very frugal again. We are afraid to spend any money for fear we will need it. That's ok. I know the Lord has a plan and we just don't know what it is yet. We will be learning many lessons in the meantime.

I am looking forward to having more time with Abby and Noah. I know it's been difficult for Abby to have me gone so much. I want to be involved with her activities while she is in high school. We won't have her home much longer. When I am home, I don't cry and feel sad. I only do that when I go to school. The other day I was washing dishes and thinking about the things I was looking forward to and I was feeling very happy and content. Then it occurred to me that it was the first time in a very long time that I didn't feel like I wanted to die and have life just be over. I was looking forward to living. That was a stark realization for me. Sept. was probably the darkest time I have ever had. I am so thankful to be seeing the light and feeling the warmth of life again. I was so afraid to leave my job because of the loss of income, but no job is worth how I felt. I know I can't go back. I am finally becoming "OK" with the thought that I can't do it all. I felt like such a failure quitting, but I would rather be successful at being a person, a mother, a wife, sister, daughter, aunt, etc. than being successful at a paying job and losing my sanity.

Our house is looking GREAT! I love the look with the Gable in front. The back deck is all framed in too. It was raining really hard or I would have taken pictures and posted them. The contractor finally just sub contracted the work out instead of worrying about doing it himself. The guys that have come to do it are wonderful. I think we are going to love it when it is all done.

I will post pictures tomorrow if the weather is good. It looks like it is going to snow. It was very cold today.

Melinda, did you know all of Meppen was put into our ward? Then Sandcreek 1st ward and our ward were put in a different stake. We are now in the Idaho Falls Stake. Lots of changes! Isn't life full of them?

We'll keep you all posted on how things go. Thank you for your love and support. It has been a difficult time for me, but I have been blessed with a wonderful family who love and care about me and have been supportive in many ways. It's good to feel loved and cared about. I love you all very much.

No comments: